The end of love is not always dramatic. Sometimes there is no shouting, no slamming of doors, no big scenes. It all comes down to the look. Eye rolling. A mocking smile. A sentence spoken in a tone that clearly says, “you are no longer someone I respect.”
In these small, barely noticeable reactions, Dr. John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, recognized the surest sign that a relationship between two people is ending. He has been studying partnerships for over four decades. He observes couples as they discuss everyday matters, argue, resolve conflicts or try to calm down. He analyzes facial expressions, tone of voice, pauses in conversation and the way partners look at each other. Based on these studies, he claims to be able to predict with great accuracy which couples will not stay together.
Criticism and defensiveness are dangerous
In his book, Seven Principles for a Successful Marriage, he outlined what drives people apart and how to combat it. The conclusion he reached surprised many. Neither jealousy, nor money, nor different personalities are decisive, he says. The most dangerous is contempt, which he calls one of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” in partner relationships, along with criticism, defensiveness and withdrawal from communication. But unlike an ordinary argument, contempt does not attack the action, but the person himself.
The argument says, “You made a mistake.” Contempt says, “The fault lies with you.” And this is where the collapse of intimacy begins. Instead of intimacy, dominance emerges. Instead of understanding – belittling. Communication becomes sarcastic, cold and malicious. Sometimes just a sigh, a sour smile or an eye roll is enough to make the other party feel humiliated.
Psychologists warn that it is this feeling of worthlessness that most deeply destroys relationships. Most people can tolerate occasional conflict, anger, or disagreements, but few can live long with a person who looks down on them.
That’s why many relationships break up not because of one big fight, but because of small, everyday pricks: passive-aggressive comments, “jokes” at someone else’s expense, ridicule and constant correction of the partner. Over time, such communication becomes commonplace. Tenderness disappears and every conversation looks more and more like a struggle for dominance.
Experts explain that contempt usually develops gradually. At first, partners suppress their dissatisfaction, avoid talking, or believe that the problem will go away on its own. Unspoken anger eventually turns to resentment, which easily turns to contempt.
Then, not only one’s behavior is attacked, but the whole identity of the other person. “You never listen.” “It’s impossible to talk to you.” Such statements do not resolve the conflict.
Even more dangerous is that contempt often becomes so habitual that after a while partners no longer notice it. Sarcasm becomes a normal way of communication, and the distance grows. Some couples, therapists say, even stop arguing. They live together, share space and responsibilities, but are no longer emotionally close. They become roommates instead of partners.
Experts emphasize that conflict in itself is not a problem. Arguing is a natural part of any relationship. What matters is how people argue and whether they manage to maintain mutual respect during conflict.
Countermeasure: Respect and gratitude towards your partner
The way to stop contempt is to recognize it in time. Psychologists cite cultivating a culture of respect and gratitude for your partner as the “antidote” to contempt. This does not mean idealizing the other person or ignoring the problem, but rather consciously reminding yourself of what is good about the relationship.
Thanks for the little things. A sincere compliment. Caution. Tenderness. Interest in how someone spent their day. These are all small gestures that maintain a sense of closeness and prevent frustration from turning into bitterness.
Experts also advise that in arguments, criticize your partner’s behavior, not his personality. There is a huge difference between the sentence “What you did hurt me” and “You are selfish”.
Most problems in long-term relationships, research shows, are never fully resolved. Partners generally learn to live with their differences. That’s why stable relationships are not based on perfect agreement, but on the ability to prevent disagreement from turning into humiliation. An argument can get “overheated,” but what few relationships survive is the loss of respect.
Slavica Stuparusic
