LIFESTYLE
THE family is an important unit in building a good society.
The family is also an important unit in building a nation.
A strong and good family will be part of building a strong and good society.
This fact has been known by Melanesians and other indigenous cultures for a long time.
This principle is also taught in the Bible, where good families support churches.
Families have a culture
You may not have thought much about this, but a family has a culture.
Those who do not have a culture are shaped by the prevailing practices in their community, whether it is good or bad.
In my previous Weekender article, I stressed that a culture is more than a dance, tattoo, or song. A culture includes what people do, what they produce and how they think. And we often think about a culture as that of a society more than that of a family.
A culture in a family or their homes teaches the children who grow up in it a lot of things before they gain formal education. This is often stressed by educators and scholars who say that the formative years of a child – from zero to the age of five – are vital.
What happens in the environment they grow up in will generally have a lot of bearing on how they grow up, the choices they make and later how they contribute as a member of the society.
Parents set the pace
It is generally the case that the children in a family will follow the footsteps of their parents, including what careers they choose. We find that children of teachers would pursue teacher training and teaching as a career after they finish high school.
Similarly, we can find some parents and their children also practising together in medicine, engineering, or entrepreneurship, or making a living in a trade, such as carpentry, or plumbing.
I was born into a family of educators and knew the environment in a classroom long before I started school. I often visited my mother in her classroom on weekends to see her prepare it for the following week.
The same goes for children whose parents are in other professions.
They learn stuff – a lot of knowledge and skills – before they enter formal education.
Setting up a culture
In a home, the parents should set the culture. Often, they set up a similar culture to the one that they grew up in. It is often the case that some parents do not do this consciously, and their homes are not the best environment for their children.
And, we must also remember that “some habits are caught more than taught” at home.
The best way to set up the culture in the home is to set house rules. Every child in the home must abide by the set rules. It will make life easier for everyone.
My late step-mother, a Papuan woman, and her husband had one important rule in their home: No alcohol is allowed.
That rule alone ensured that there was peace and common sense in their home.
Other homes nearby that entertained drinking parties had all sorts of issues, including fights between relatives. It was pathetic to witness such events.
My late father never swore. That is why I don’t like people who curse and swear. As a former college lecturer and business manager, I like the way he talks and gives advice on career and life.
His rules for children included: “Go to sleep at 10pm. And, listen to me, and obey me.”
Personally, I advanced my reading skills while I was in primary school because I had read the novels he was reading on weekends, including books by Leon Uris and Agatha Christie.
Some things are caught, not taught.
The same can be said of many good parents; they positively influence the lives of their children by promoting good habits.
The village family
I grew up in a village, from the age of nine until I was 12, and again from 15 until I became an adult.
In the years between those two periods, I lived with my parents in Port Moresby in the early 1980s.
My family lived in that hamlet and that the Melanesian culture in that place belonged to my father’s people and that shaped my way of thinking and doing things as well.
(I will say more about that village and its culture in the next feature article.)
In the village, the way of life is a bit different from homes in towns or villages. There was no fence separating homes and what was done in one home could easily become everyone’s business, whether it was an argument between two siblings or a celebration over an achievement.
The norms and values of the village influenced the lives of families and the children. When some parents were absent, unts and uncles and older cousins stepped in to take care of the children.
It was an interesting kind of dynamic but it served the purpose of taking care of the children.
Additionally, there were common spaces outside of the homes where children could also spend time and interact with one another.
Thus, the culture of the village shaped all of the small ones growing up, as unique as they were, with their different gifts, talents and family background.
The Christian family
When I was still in my teens, I entered a Bible-believing church for the first time and was overwhelmed by the teachings that were shared by the Sunday school teachers.
There was so much taught in the Bible on families and life than what I knew.
I was brought up in a mainline church where such teachings were not stressed and there were no Sunday schools.Over the years, I learned that the basic teachings on family are given in Ephesians 5.21-33 and 6.1-4.
Similar teachings, as penned by Apostle Paul, are also given in Colossians 3.18-25. The teachings state that the wife should submit to the husband, who is the head. That is in the same way that the church should submit to Christ, who is the head.
The husband must in turn love his wife. He should love the wife as himself, in the same way that Christ loved the church and gave his life for it.
The children are to obey their parents, and honour both the father and mother.
The fathers are also told to be good examples and not cause their children to be angry and become discouraged. Please, read the texts given to confirm what I have stated.
What the Bible states is a simple and easy way to guide a family.
If a family believes the Bible, then it makes it easy for them.
They do not have to invent new rules, they can just adopt the ones given and abide by them.
The Bible to a Christian family will influence them in a big way.
There are a lot of Christian leaders who were influenced by their parents, who themselves adhered strictly to Bible teachings.
Such leaders include our local people as well as westerners and other foreigners.
The family as a team
In late 2019, I was in a room full of brilliant young Papua New Guineans and the issue of family and gender-based violence was brought up.
As the discussions went on, it seemed as if the men are usually the culprits in such issues.
But then, many men may debate that.
I raised my hand and contributed by saying if a family – from Day 1 – knows that they are a team with specific goals, it will make things very easy for them.
The father and mother need not quarrel every other day.
They must remain focused: What is their goal?
Like a football team, they must be aware of their roles and responsibilities and not give excuses for failing to do their part to ensure their team wins.
The backs cannot blame the forwards if their defence is bad and the opposing team scores an easy goal. The forwards cannot blame the backs for not trying hard to score goals.
People must be responsible and do what they are tasked to do. Winning in a family means the children are well taken care of, and they do well in school. They must be supported and continue on for training and eventually getting a job.
The parents must be aware that their children’s achievement reflects on the team’s focus and progress.
Often the quarrels arise when the husband wants to do his private stuff on the side, or the wife has other personal stuff to do.
All these private plans must not interfere with their primary goals, whichever they are.
I am of the view it is good for a couple to set their goals before they start a family.
Sadly, such a goal-setting process is not usually followed by most couples before they tie the knot so they do not know what they should focus on. And, that is a different issue.
It is like going onto the pitch with your team without a game plan. You will not win if you operate like that.
Richest man on earth
A few years ago, as I was thinking about technology and the innovators involved, I thought about Elon Musk. As a report goes, Musk is the richest person in the world with a fortune estimated to be over $830 billion, mainly through his ownership of Tesla and SpaceX.
Most people would think that Musk must have an extraordinary brain to build everything on his own. But, that is not completely true.
If you check his biography, you will find that his father is a millionaire.
I am of the view that Musk grew up in a family where the culture was already there, to look for ventures, invest money and skills and earn big from that. In other words, his family’s culture impacted his outlook in life.
He may not have got a lot of money from his father, but the culture taught him to think differently to most kids his age. He was already thinking about building technologies and earning money from an early age.
It is a great benefit to have a parent who is already playing the game that you want to play.
Last words
If you want to have a family that will positively impact our society, take note of what I said.
Set up a culture in your home.
Stress a set of rules, as my step-mother and father did.
If you believe in the Bible, take heed of the teachings shared with you.
The world is getting more chaotic now, but you can still bring up a good family if you do things the right way.
Remember that how your family progresses in the future will depend on what you do now, or fail to do.
You cannot blame someone else if most of your children do not contribute meaningfully to the society.
It is like the football coach who blames everyone but himself for his team losing most games in the season.
From the Bible’s perspective, if you do not raise your children in the right way, you will give an account to the Maker for that.
From the society, you may be called on by the law or authorities to sort issues that may be caused by your children who were not properly guided by you.
Take heed, and do the right thing.
