Men hide feelings, even from themselves. Why they need to open up

Editor’s note:  If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health matters, please call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 to connect with a trained counselor, or visit the 988 Lifeline website.

I was 8 years old when I learned that my father had multiple sclerosis.

By age 12, I was his arms and legs. While my mother worked a full-time job, took us to baseball practices and cooked dinner, I repaired broken dishwashers, fixed lawn mowers and shaved him on occasion. At 15, I became strong enough to lift him off the sidewalk when his wheelchair fell over. When I was 17, I stopped looking for him in the stands of my football games.

We never talked about my father’s diagnosis in my family. It was a fact of life, and it was my job as his son to “man up” and deal with it no matter my age. When I was growing up, boys who showed emotion were considered weak. I was taught to bury everything for decades and pretend I was fine. I was not.

My father died a decade ago. I haven’t written about him much, which may seem odd for a guy who writes about fatherhood. I’ve kept my emotions bottled up inside, and as a result, I’ve isolated myself at times, which has led to hidden depression and anxiety. The “face” I put on for the rest of the world did not match who I was. Other men deal with it in other ways, such as violence, substance abuse and sometimes even suicide.

Even now, it’s hard to control my emotions when I do write about him, and I’m absolutely terrified to put that vulnerability out into the world.

But maybe it’s time. Jordan Ritter Conn, the author of “American Men,” certainly thinks so.

Over the past few years, “conversations were getting louder and louder about men not willing to show vulnerability,” Conn told me recently. “I wanted to dig into those pieces of men’s lives that we’re often told men won’t show.”

Typically, men are written about as heroes, villains or comic relief. In “American Men,” in which Conn follows four men who struggle with their masculinity and vulnerability, shows what’s it like to live as a whole person instead of two fractured ones — the men the world expects us to be, and the men we really are.

I spoke to Conn about why it’s good for men to open up and how to do it.

This conversation has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.

CNN: Many men live alone in their own heads and won’t tell others how they feel. How do men start to open up?

Jordan Ritter Conn: We often need some kind of permission and structure if we’re going to open up. We need to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the person sitting across from us is genuinely interested in our experiences and is curious without any sense of judgment.

This is how I was able to get men to open up so much while working on this book. They knew I was not going to recoil when they told me even the ugliest truths because as they showed me small pieces of themselves, I responded without judgment. It took time.

There are other places where we can replicate that kind of feeling, such as in a religious or therapy setting. It’s even possible in more casual settings. It’s a matter of just not being afraid to ask each other direct questions, and then not looking away when the other person starts to share openly.

CNN: How do men deal with overcoming the feeling of shame when they open up for the first time?

Conn: In the best-case scenario, you open up, someone hears and affirms you, and you feel connected, have your experience reflected back to you and understood.

That doesn’t always happen, of course. Sometimes people are bad at listening. Sometimes they say the wrong thing. Sometimes it can be hurtful.

One of the men in “American Men” had been carrying around these incredible wounds since he was a small child. The first time he opens up to a therapist, that therapist responded in the worst way imaginable. And Joseph finds that he’s … fine. He can handle it. He’s proven to himself that he can say the terrifying thing out loud, that he can withstand even the worst possible response. He keeps going. He opens up again and again until he gets the help he needs.

CNN: Many men are isolated in their own pain and often downplay it. How can they open up and get help treating that pain?

Conn: We have to invite each other into closer connection. Think of the men in your life. Not just your father or brothers or husband, but your more casual ties. The guy at your office or in your fantasy football league or at your church or your kid’s school.

Think of the thing you know they’ve been dealing with — the loss of a parent, unemployment, divorce or struggles with parenting. Ask how they’re doing, not just in the immediate aftermath of that struggle but three months, six months, two years later.

And then get yourself to a place of genuine curiosity about their answers. Don’t rush to try to make them feel better. Don’t just move on to the next thing. Sit with what they’re saying, listen to it, reflect it back to them, and let them keep talking and talking until they feel some sense of release.

CNN: What about men whose feelings are expressed as anger? What strategies did the men you interviewed use?

Conn: One of the men in the book gets into a lot of fights. He had been bullied as a child because his peers could tell that he was gay, and as he grew up and grew into his sexuality, whenever he’s reminded of those humiliations, he snaps.

Men often respond to humiliation by grasping for any sense of control or power. We’re taught that anger is acceptable for us to express — no other emotions are. We don’t want to sink beneath that anger, sink into that sense of sadness or humiliation or grief or whatever other more terrifying emotion is giving the anger fuel.

When you’re someone prone to anger, it can be a long process to unlearn the instinct to turn angry at the smallest slight. I think it comes from slowly feeling more love and care for yourself, reminding yourself that you are more than your humiliations. The anger you feel is papering over something else, some other feeling that’s worth exploring and sitting with.

CNN: Did you take away any peace from interviewing these men?

Conn: I’ve found a sense of peace in how powerful it has been for each of them to see their stories out in the world. I’m in touch with all four right now, almost every day. It’s such a powerful thing, seeing your reality reflected back to you, knowing that other people are connecting to it, that you’re not alone.

It’s so simple and basic, but that’s all anyone is ever looking for. Just to know that whatever they’re feeling, someone else has felt it. That they’re connected to others who have suffered and struggled and worried and worked toward triumph just as they have. That you can speak your most terrifying realities aloud, and find someone who says, “Yes, I know exactly what you mean.”