Mother: “My toddler is 2.5 and does all the things you would expect from a toddler: categorically refusing everyday actions such as getting dressed, throwing a fittie when she gets the ‘wrong’ spoon, throwing her full bowl of porridge on the floor while looking straight at me. It sometimes puts my and my partner’s patience to the test.”
“While we both try to respond to her tantrums as empathetically as possible, my partner can lose his patience a little more quickly and speak sternly or angrily to our daughter during a tantrum. Sometimes I stand up for her and reprimand him in front of her. I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Shouldn’t we put on a front in front of her, or is it okay to show her that we don’t always agree with each other? I’m especially curious about the effect of discord before our daughter’s eyes.”
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Help each other
Frank van der Horst: “Losing your patience is completely understandable in parenting, especially during this complicated phase. But your toddler has no use for debate at that moment. A lot has to happen at the same time in her development: your daughter wants to have boundaries defined, but also becomes frustrated because of the urge for autonomy. This is precisely when your daughter needs you as parents: it requires the double task of limiting and comforting, which you do by lovingly and clearly stating what is not possible, and staying close. That offers your daughter peace and predictability.”
“Reprimanding each other at such a moment only creates extra tension for your daughter. Children will of course gradually see that each parent has a different approach, but 2.5 is very young to make that visible. It is better to talk to each other as parents about such situations before or afterward.”
“Consider at which times you can discuss structural disagreements in your upbringing, and how you can help each other when it becomes too much. Can one walk away when patience runs out, and the other then take over for a while?”
Move positively
Carlo Schuengel: “We scientifically call attacking each other in the presence of the child ‘negative co-parenting’. It leads to unrest in children. While positively working together as parents provides a lot of clarity.”
“In this phase, your child learns rules and what is expected of her. Don’t break things, don’t scream. That’s about socializing, and the foundation for this is laid at a young age. Especially in a situation where a child is testing boundaries, being joint, friendly and consistent is important: calmly explaining why this behavior is not desired.”
“Try to discuss moments when one of you gets irritated. These are often classic moments, such as at the end of the day at the table or in the supermarket.”
“As children grow older, other things come into play. For example, emerging morality: what is good for the world and what is not? How do we deal with the climate, do I still want to eat meat, how do we treat each other? In such cases, it is instructive for children when parents have different opinions, as long as those differences are discussed with the intention of listening to each other and the child. In this way, the child is presented with a respectful discussion, which can help with free development.”
Frank van der Horst is professor by special appointment of Problematic Attachment at Leiden University and Erasmus University Rotterdam. He specializes in family pedagogy. Carlo Schuengel is professor of Special Education at the Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam.
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