There are a few things that should raise questions from the beginning of a relationship: when someone constantly avoids talking about money, when they have debts that they don’t talk about, or when they are too quick to insist that you share everything.
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Most of the time, these things are overlookedbut how someone manages their money says a lot about how the relationship will work going forward.
In practice, problems arise in very concrete situations. For example, when one partner expects the other to pay almost everything without openly discussing it. Or, on the contrary, when every expense is divided by the comma and turned into a rigid calculation. Such differences are not just about money, but about expectations and values. And if they are not discussed in time, they end up creating frustrations. How do you recognize them and what questions are worth asking from the start?
Why do we shy away from calling a spade a spade?
To understand why finances remain a taboo subject on first dates, we spoke with Laura Găvan, cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist. She explains for “The Truth” that, most of the time, in the middle is the belief that love and money should not be in the same place.
“We have many beliefs about money, which we learn from family, from people we admire or, conversely, despise for the way they relate to money,” says the specialist.
“The family model is the most important: if, in childhood, at home, discussions about money were endless, suggesting the idea that they bring strife, we will not have a peaceful relationship with finances. If the emphasis was placed on restrictive saving, the child may also follow this path in adulthood, or, on the contrary, in an attempt to move away from the model, he will end up squandering.”
According to Laura Găvan, it is essential to discuss with our partner how money was managed in the families of origin. “Love is also a project, and if the differences are big, it is possible to be frustrated on both sides: one spends, one collects, and this is no longer a joint project.” she points out.
Who pays the bill: the man or the woman?
There is no absolute rule, but how we handle the bill sends powerful messages. “Problems arise when the 50/50 person meets the 100/100 person. In this dance where who reaches for the bill, the relationship is created, or on the contrary, destroyed, from the very beginning.” warns the psychotherapist.
What must a couple establish before the child arrives, so that they do not end up in divorce
Money represents different things to each of us: security, comfort, pleasure or fun. Laura Găvan points out that these beliefs are deeply rooted in our personality. Moreover, the way we avoid or force to discuss this topic hides deep needs. For example, the desire to be financially supported may mask a need for security or emotional dependence, while financial inflexibility (stinginess) may reflect anxiety or an acute need for control, and total avoidance of the subject may often indicate shame or difficult past experiences.
“Don’t avoid talking about money out of a desire to preserve ‘romance’. In reality, openness creates security, not destroys it. A healthy relationship is not rigidly 50/50 or ‘one gives, the other takes’, but flexibility, agreement and transparency.” points out Laura Găvan.
6 questions to ask on first dates (without sounding like an accountant)
A recent survey cited by CNBC shows that for 74% of adults, financial stability has become one of the most attractive traits in a potential partner. Among the biggest red flags cited by respondents are: wanting to pool money too quickly (67%), major credit card debt (63%) and requests to transfer money (via payment apps) immediately after a date (57%).
“The person you choose to marry is the biggest financial decision of your life,” attorney Jacqueline Combs told CNBC, as financial disputes remain one of the leading causes of divorce.
Although it is not advisable to ask for the bank statement right from the first dinner, you can test the terrain with hypothetical or relaxed questions. Here are the 6 questions recommended by experts to check your financial compatibility at the beginning of the journey:
- “If you won the lottery today, how would you spend the money?” (A relaxed question that shows you what his/her hidden priorities are).
- “How do you see the expenses related to children’s education? Are you considering the option of private schools or the faculty?” (Test long-term values).
- “How did you manage money in college or when you first became independent?” (Shows you the person’s history and financial independence).
- “Have you had an unforeseen financial emergency that you had to deal with? How did you handle it?” (Checks the degree of responsibility and if the person has the habit of saving).
- “Is there a big purchase you’re currently raising money for?” (Shows ability to plan and delay reward).
- “Do you prefer to make your coffee at home or do you buy one in town every day?” (A trivial question that immediately reveals the style of daily consumption and small leaks in the budget).
If your partner gets angry or completely avoids these questions, you should ask yourself a question mark. An honest discussion about money at the beginning of the journey it doesn’t chase away the butterflies in your stomach, it shows you if you can really team up for the long haul.
