For many single women, it is so difficult to find a partner relationship or even arrange a meeting with a man that the situation won until meme: “Straight women are on the hunger map.” This shortage is felt by dental surgeon Gisely Duete, 32, and all her friends. “Everyone is in the same boat. It seems like there are no men for us,” she says, single for nine years.
Behind the joke there is a “profound malnutrition of respect, connection and equity”, says Mayhumi Kitagawa, founder of Sou Pagu. The subject is frequent in therapy sessions at the psychology clinic specializing in women. The meme, says Kitagawa, functions as defensive humor, “that laugh to keep from crying.”
Hunger comes from the lack of real partnerships, says Joyce Quevedo, a psychologist specializing in schema therapy. “The relationship market offers little care and partners who withdraw emotionally.” This leads to collective exhaustion, or “heteropessimism”she says.
The deficit of available men is also demographic. According to the IBGE 2022 Censusin Brazil there are 33.2 million women and 25.7 million men over 20 years of age who do not live in a union. In other words, there are 7.5 million more single women than single men — it is important to highlight that the IBGE does not include a breakdown by sexual orientation.
Since Duete, who lives in the capital of São Paulo, ended a six-year relationship in 2017, no one else has moved forward. “You’re left with this inconsistency: am I the problem? Have I done something wrong?”, he asks. And it’s not for lack of persistence, she says. “I’m willing to go to the guy, treat him well, but I realize it’s not reciprocal.”
It’s already difficult to get a date and it doesn’t always go well. Bianca Santos, 33, physiotherapist from Porto Alegrereports that many men only talk about themselves, which they find tiring. It’s also common for them to disappear after the first or second date. “After they get us into bed, it seems like they got what they wanted and they change right away,” he says. “We have a lot to offer and it seems like they just want something momentary. Do they need it that much? sex?”
The disappearance – the famous “ghosting”— it’s bad. “You start to like the person and create expectations”, says the dentist, who sees the behavior as a lack of responsibility. Basic attitudes, such as responding to messages, became a differentiator and earned the nickname “crumbs”.
“But not even the basics, which are exchanging ideas or arranging a meeting, are done. They are very slow to decide what they want and wait for us to take the initiative”, says Santos.
The ease of interactions on social networks and dating apps It gives the impression of an abundance of people to choose from, experts note. “Men see these apps as a way of not having a real relationship, you live in a mask. If it’s difficult for me to have a relationship, I’ll move on to the next one”, says Kitagawa.
Just sending “foguinho” or commenting on stories is not enough, says the Porto Alegre native: it is necessary to invite people to cool programs in the real world. “As we get older, we don’t accept just anything and become more discerning”, adds Duete.
For Kitagawa, from Sou Pagu, this pessimism of heterosexual women does not occur because they are too demanding, nor because they hate men. They seek more equitable relationships, in which both offer the same level of investment, adds Joyce Quevedo. “Men need to try harder and invest their 50% to create a relationship based on mutual respect, and not a hierarchy”, says the psychologist.
Gender role stereotypes reinforce the idea of subservience and that caring is a woman’s task, psychologists add, which creates emotional overload.
“Any movement towards emotional maturity is seen as threatening to collapse the house of cards of traditional masculinity“, assesses Kitagawa.
To change this dynamic, men would have to give up a culture that has always privileged them, says Quevedo. Meanwhile, the red pill movement tries to keep the system working, and the fact that women are breaking with this model helps explain the explosion in cases of feminicidesay psychologists. “Many men confuse improving, which is nothing more than listening, giving in and learning, with submitting to a power relationship”, says Kitagawa.
It’s more comfortable for them to keep looking at the old script, says the psychologist.
“Women already know who they want to be. Men don’t know who they are without these privileges. There is a gap between what the modern woman expects and what the average man offers.”
In response, some women have chosen to be alone, seek support from friends or enter into celibacy. “As I know what I can do for myself, I want a guy who does the same or more. If he doesn’t treat me well or doesn’t verbalize how he feels about me, I don’t want him anymore”, says the Porto Alegre native.
For a long time, be alone it was seen as a sign of failure, but the understanding now is that it is a conservation choice, says Kitagawa. Sometimes, says the psychologist, there is resistance to starting a relationship because this search generates more trauma than satisfaction.
“I actually cope well. Given the scenario, it’s not a bad idea to be alone”, sums up Duete.
