Captain at the opening of the national stadium – Bratislav Braca Marković

But our national team should also win on this festive occasion. That’s where the problem comes in…

Who is the opponent of our national team at this historic event? No one can beat our national team, there is no team in the world that can lose to the Serbian football team. But there is no problem that the author of this text cannot solve with his creativity. Actually, a nation that has a guy like me is at an advantage over the rest of humanity.

I am convinced that our national team should choose an amateur team for that occasion, but not some trained amateurs, because there is no way that our football national team could beat trained recreational players. That’s why the selection should be composed of total idiots, people who have no idea about football, and I am ready to make sacrifices and be the captain of such a team.

My friend Deki would also be in the team. Now I’m going to explain to you what the fun is… The other day I went to Deki’s and suggested to him that we play Bud Spencer and Terrence Hill, they are two heroes of our childhood. And we didn’t succeed, because none of the two of us could be Terence Hill, we had two Bud Spencers, and since we couldn’t find Terence Hill, we decided to play dominoes, which befits people who are semi-penzos. So, just the way the two of us are, we are ideal to form the skeleton of the team that will oppose our football team at the opening of the National Stadium.

I read somewhere that the President of the Constitutional Court, Vladan Petrov, was a goalkeeper in a team in Smederevo in his youth. We have a goalkeeper and two defenders. Why defensive? Because neither Deki nor I can be in the attack, because our stomachs would always be offside, and these would not be regular conditions for playing such an important game. Deki and I will play the rear midfielders. We can also call Mića Grčić, that is the character who held the oven “When the lambs fall silent”.

I don’t have the full lineup yet, but I know who I’m going to ask. I often suffer from sciatica, it’s an annoying disease that you don’t die from, but you die with it, there’s no way to cure it, it can only be cured. My condition is OK, so I will be able to play, and the other players will be recommended to me by my physiotherapist Dule, who will of course be on the bench for the entire game to help our opponents from the Serbian national team, who will probably have a hard time getting past Deki and me. The condition for the performance is that Dulet’s patients, like Deki and I, all have sciatica, over fifty years old and over a hundred kilos. And with such a team, the Serbian national team would already have a chance to win.

Wondering what we’ll do if they can’t beat us? I thought of everything. According to the provisions of that match, our goalkeeper Vladan Petrov will have a mobile phone with him. If fifteen minutes before the end of the game our national team doesn’t score a goal, because it’s really difficult to get past Deki and me, Vučić will call Petrov and give him a signal when we’re going to let them go. Petrov is already used to not doing anything that Vučić does not tell him. If they still can’t put the ball in the net, Deki and I will each score an own goal and the problem is solved.

Until then, the presidential elections will be held, in which, if everything goes as it should, Vladan Petrov will win, and Vučić will be the prime minister. I like it, because in the heat of battle I will finally be allowed to curse the president of the republic. Let’s say, throw the ball to me, not to Deki, you can see that he is rolled up in …….. Priceless.

The selector could be our patriarch Porfiria, he has experience with some morons, so he would fit in great as our boss. Of course, before he sits on the bench at the entrance to the National Stadium, he must ask everyone “do you give up the students”? Only those who renounce enter, i.e. those who believe that Serbia is the European Singapore, the rest are unworthy.

That’s it, I’ve solved that for you, that’s over… for Serbia, I’m going to act crazy for ninety minutes, what’s the matter with me… And then, on the day of security, if they remember me, they remember, if nobody remembers anything, that was my duty.

But, let me ask you something serious at the end. Do you think that the wonderful man Dr. Mihailo Andrejević, who did a lot for both medicine and football in this country, is turning over in his grave? I’d say he’s falling over, shame on me, and I’m really not guilty of anything…

And maybe I am, I believe more and more that we are all guilty.

The views of the authors in the Dialog column do not necessarily reflect the editorial policy of Danas.