It’s been a while since you wrote a funny column. It’s been a long time since I’ve been annoyed, angry, disturbed by anything.
Are you laughing then?
Nervousness, anger and anxiety create nausea of the soul. For her it is an unnatural state. She immediately wants to put two fingers in her mouth and vomit on reality. Then she realizes that she can’t even have two fingers or a mouth, let alone curl up in that weird position and throw up everything she ate. Hmm, she ate, the soul says to herself, what a brilliant bodily action and here is the image of a human body that takes food into itself through one hole, and then, after a short time, throws it out through another hole with the difference that when it was taken in, the body enjoyed the smell, while when it was thrown out, it clogs its nose, that is, the beautiful smells brought in, processed, bring out a stench. And imagine if it was the other way around, the soul begins to laugh! Everyday life feeds you with nervousness, anger and restlessness, you swallow and process, then you fart a smile on his face.
Sorry, but somehow I don’t like this picture.
And what should I do? I can’t do otherwise. So let’s talk about human nature. From what I have understood so far, man’s natural state is comfort in the midst of which he wants to eat, drink, enjoy himself, work to earn money, that is, to advance in his career, to meet another person with whom he feels mutual attraction, after which he discards his clothes in order to make money and sighs, which, in turn, may lead to reproduction, but not necessarily. In modern terms, man wants to realize himself, although I have never been completely clear about the coinage thus termed.
Okay, come on, but you don’t have to do it around me, do you? What will you miss if you realize yourself not there, around the corner, another street, city, dimension? Because while you are stressing me with your self-realization, I want to enter a phase of dissolution in order to spread myself as far away as possible. By the way, I have noticed that those who reached self-realization with ease are never satisfied with themselves, because they can always do better because only the sky is their limit and you somehow immediately feel like taking the opposite direction from that sky of theirs, as far as possible, even at the bar in hell, and those who go through that self-realization process with difficulty have invested so much effort to reach what they projected for themselves, accumulated so much nervousness facing obstacles that begin to reflect their own inner world onto you and are so overwhelming that you then wonder why the hell you’re suddenly nervous.
That is why man, faced with all these complex situations, came to the strange conclusion that in order to truly realize himself, he needs to find a soulmate, that is, the love of his life, although I, from this modest experience that I have, am a little skeptical about the term soulmate and I am more and more convinced that the true expression is a body that excites, at least from what has been attached to everything that surrounds me. But okay, I will stick to the unitary measures of the majority – love, soulmate and the search for them for a person to fully realize himself.
Will you tell us details of your intimate biography?
I was also once looking for my soul mate. In the middle of that search for lost time, one of them struck me. We arranged a meeting. I waited for her for a long time at the bar of eternity. It came half a lifetime late. I realized that she wasted most of her time on grooming, probably to make me like her. Then he opened his mouth. I immediately wanted to open the door to the black hole that would swallow me up and transport me to the other end of space, but as usual for a clumsy idiot, I didn’t know where I had put the key. Okay, I told myself, at least the hips and knees of those beautiful legs are perfect. We started talking. What is your horoscope, he asked me. Lion, I replied. He made such a sour expression on his face that I immediately wanted to put cabbage in it for the winter. What’s the problem, I asked. My ex was a lion, he replied. And what is your horoscope, I also asked. Cancer, retort. I got so pissed off that he could immediately use me as a toilet bowl cleaner. What’s wrong with you, he asked, mom and dad, I whispered, died of cancer. And we lived happily apart until the end of this paragraph.
I know, your stomach turned. You won’t see an autobiography from me, I don’t want to make reality difficult for anyone. Unlike me, most of humanity finds their soulmate, the love of their life. The culmination of that quest is usually… The kids? No, children are a way station, a means of purifying what remains in the parent as an unfulfilled ambition. From the attachment that surrounds me on this planet, the most common culmination of finding two soul mates is divorce. Divorce is a kind of turning point for you, rebirth, turning a new page. But why did you divorce so quickly? Realize, I just haven’t found myself in love. Wait a minute, like you told me a while ago that you didn’t find yourself in the job? That’s right. Fake! Fake! And now you are on the road to self-realization again? Where did I put the faking key to the black hole to the other end of the universe?
But here is the catch. In fact, for man to realize himself, he must first find himself, so he must search for himself. Those abnormal ones from mythological and Old Testament times were looking for God, modern man is looking for himself. Okay, okay, but why the hell do you have to bully me into looking for you together? Take someone else, please, and leave me alone at the bar of boredom. This is how the professions of influencer and life coach appeared. I, who am guided by the Diogenes maxim “don’t take from me what you can’t give, that is, get out of my head, you cover my sun with your shadow”, and taught to train absence in the lives of others, I have a hard time accepting the new educational system led by influencers and life coach experts. It is even more difficult for me to understand that complex odyssey from search to finding in order to realize… myself. I immediately put wax in my ears in the most Odyssean way, because modern sirens do not enchant, but trumpet and thus disturb.
Rusyakov, you haven’t written such a disgusting column in a long time.
And what should I do? I am a writer. We writers kind of intuitively know that finding yourself is getting stuck in bad company. That’s why unfulfilled characters are created in us that hang on to our frustrations and try to come true as stories. Some of those stories manage to become art, although most, like mine, will be overrun by time.
