Q: My ex wants us to celebrate our daughter’s birthday together every year because she says it’s better for our daughter. We don’t fight in front of her, but being together is uncomfortable and I’m sure she can feel it. I’d rather have separate celebrations. Does putting the kids first mean we have to celebrate together?
A: If everyone is genuinely comfortable with spending special occasions together, terrific. I’ve seen families make it work beautifully. But there’s no prize for sitting around a birthday cake pretending you’re having fun while your child monitors their parents’ behaviour.
Kids know.
Although Rule No. 1 of Good Ex Etiquette for Parents is, “Put the children first.” Sometimes parents interpret that to mean, “Do everything together for the sake of the children.”
That’s not what it means.
Putting your child first means making your decisions in the best interest of your child, both parents considering what creates the healthiest experience. If you can genuinely enjoy a birthday together, wonderful.
If you can’t, two celebrations can work just fine. Sometimes that’s far more loving than forcing everyone to share the same cake.
What your child does need is the freedom to enjoy their birthday without worrying about either parent. They shouldn’t have to wonder if Mum is hurt because Dad planned something special, or tone down their excitement about one celebration while talking about it in the other home. That’s putting the child first, too.
Let them be excited. Ask about the fun they had. Be interested without comparing. Their birthday is one day when they certainly shouldn’t have to manage their parents’ feelings.
Where parents get into trouble is what they do with those separate celebrations.
“Have a great time at Dad’s party!” Sounds perfect, doesn’t it? It’s not. It’s not Dad’s party. It’s the child’s party and referring to it as Dad’s party or Mum’s party puts the parents in competition with each other – in front of the child.
Better to say simply, “Have a great time at your party!” That brings it back to the child.
And please don’t turn birthdays into competitive events or fight over the same weekend to host the party. You don’t need the bigger cake, the more expensive gift or the party everyone will be talking about until graduation. It’s not your party!
Together or apart, keep the focus where it belongs. Celebrate your child, whether you choose to do it together or separately. How you celebrate matters far less than making sure your child remains at the centre of the celebration. – Tribune News Service
Dr Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of Co-Parenting For Dummies and The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide To Co-Parenting And Creating Stronger Families.
