“What a child doesn’t receive he can seldom later give.” -P.D. James (Phyllis Dorothy James), novelist (Aug 3, 1920-2014)
For many, spanking is considered a normal reaction of an adult to a “misbehaving” child. “Spare the rod and spoil the child!” sort of thing.
Apart from the ghastly thought that it is fine to hit anyone, unless in self defence, far less a smaller creature, with a “rod” (defined as a long, thin, straight bar or stick made of wood, metal, or other hard material), or whether we use it in the Biblical sense, rod meaning discipline, authority or divine power which itself easily becomes an excuse to use strength to force someone smaller to do something that the holder of the “rod” wishes. This moves us into the realm of authoritarian, “strongman” principles to defend cruelty, in this case, to children.
This emphasis on corporal punishment was not always so. Every observation of early hunter-gatherer and tribal societies over thousands of years, including those that persist to this day, illustrates that child rearing was deeply communal and high-contact. Childcare relied on “cooperative raising,” where multiple caregivers, older siblings, grandparents and other tribe members shared the daily work of holding, feeding, and watching young children.
This is the “it takes a village to raise a child” concept, which paradoxically comes to us from various African cultures and is praised in our society but which is seldom practised today, even though it is the biological norm for humans. It was certainly practised in Woodbrook in the 50s when I was growing up.
What has gone wrong? Why do adults spank children? Firstly, it is to alleviate their own discomfort in the moment. This may be partially due to an overload of stress, but it may also be due to a misunderstanding of child development. Paradoxically, as we have learned more about child development, it’s become clear that too many adults misunderstand it, leading to unrealistic expectations. In a way, there is a surfeit of information, which has tripled with the advent of social media, everyone believing they are experts on children.
Spanking is family violence and a precursor to social violence.
Understanding child developmental needs can help adults avoid reacting with punishment when a child does not go along with their plans. It helps to understand the way children at different ages learn. Yet, the idea that children learn in different ways at different ages, and they should not be punished for it but supported in their learning by building up their self-confidence, is not accepted.
Babies, for example, learn about life from being physically close to and in the arms of responsive caregivers. This is because babies are rapidly developing brain and body systems and need help learning to establish and regulate their systems in healthy ways. They cannot learn to do this unless they feel secure and confident in their surroundings. That means they must trust the bigger ones around them. Self-confidence is not built up by beating.
It all starts with the baby feeling safe.
Toddlers learn from moving their bodies, running and climbing and exploring their environments. Exploration is essential for proper development. Developmental milestones take place in a particular order and must be met for the child to develop normally. First, the baby begins to see objects – a face. The face smiles at the child. The child responds. That brings more smiles to the face and words that calm. The child hears the words and begins to imitate the words. That brings more smiles. The process repeats and becomes more complicated. But it all began with a smile from the parent. No smile, no speech. Depending on the intimacy of the relationship already established, a frown or a harsh word at any stage may interrupt the process.
Finally, play is the way children learn best. It must be self-directed. The child learns what it needs to learn. It cannot be led or directed by adults. Adults often misunderstand this and punish its appearance.
A reason for this misunderstanding is that most adults nowadays were treated harshly in early life and developed a neurobiology of fear, under-developing their social-emotional intelligences, leading to fearful reactions to ‘strange others’ of one kind or another. The patterned response can be aggressive or arrogant as self-protection for deep insecurity.
A traumatising culture actively discourages attunement to the young (e.g., ‘it’s normal for babies to cry’) and does not provide the support needed for parents and carers to be nurturing. And so, generations of under-nurturing and faulty care continue.
