Everybody knows that fathers, and father influences, are extremely important to our households, communities, and, therefore, to our entire society. The presence of fathers is known to significantly influence our crime levels. Worldwide studies have always supported this.
More recent research presented by Harper & McLanahan, 2004 (Father Absence and Youth Incarceration); Bronte-Tinkew et al, 2006 (Positive Father-child Relationships Associated with Decreased Risk for Adolescent Delinquency and Substance Use); Cobb-Clark & Tekin, 2011 (Fathers and Youth’s Delinquent Behaviour); and Markowitz & Ryan, 2016 (Father Absence and Adolescent Depression and Delinquency), to site a few, reiterated this truism.
I recently acquired a deeper appreciation of how fathers affect their daughters. The presence of a father (or male influence) is one thing, but the quality of the father’s behaviour and his emotional intelligence is quite another. In a marriage, emotional disregard can be perceived as cruelty or abandonment. Such behaviour may constitute grounds for divorce because it is categorised as withholding emotional support and even emotional neglect. The same holds true for the relationship between a father and his children.
A few weeks ago, a female patient, who I’ve known since her birth, reminded me that when I saw her alone, after meeting her spouse for the first time, I confessed that I was surprised by her choice of life partner. She reminded me that I went on to reveal that they were very ‘unevenly yoked’. She admitted to experiencing very stressful relationship issues. It was then that she flatly blamed her father for her decision to date and then cohabit with her spouse. At first, I could not fathom where she was going with that, but then she opened up and explained that her father was never emotionally supportive and that his stoicism left her yearning for emotional interaction.
So when her spouse came along, and as men who want intimacy from women regularly do, expressed his ‘love’ (read ‘lust’) for her, she fell hard and ended up in a very flawed relationship. On the flip side of that situation is the case of a similar young lady who was not one to accept rubbish from any suitor. She explained that although she had been adopted by a single mother, she had a very healthy and powerful emotional attachment to a surrogate father who was always supportive, and because of his demeaner and positive emotional intelligence, set a high bar for any other males to attain.
Consequently, she eschewed disrespectful, discourteous, ungentlemanly, selfish, and uncaring males. Because of her standards, she is very unlikely to become entangled with unsuitable spouses who would deny her and any children that they may produce the emotional support necessary for a happy and healthy home environment. This translates into a kinder, gentler, and safer society.
Girls, like boys, benefit from stable, loving, and emotionally healthy parenting. A positive father figure can contribute something uniquely important to a daughter’s emotional development, identity, confidence, and understanding of relationships. This influence is not based solely on biology, and it does not mean that girls without fathers cannot thrive. Many are raised successfully by single mothers, grandparents, or supportive communities. The key issue is consistent, healthy guidance and emotional security.
One important role a father figure can play is in helping to shape self-worth. Daughters often internalise how significant men in their lives treat them. A father who listens, encourages, protects without controlling, and expresses affection respectfully can help daughters develop confidence and a sense of value. She learns that she deserves respect, attention, and emotional safety. These lessons can influence future friendships, romantic relationships, and professional interactions.
A father figure also helps represent what healthy masculinity looks like. Through daily interaction, girls observe how men communicate, handle stress, show affection, resolve conflict, and treat women. A respectful and emotionally mature father can establish a standard that helps daughters recognise healthy versus unhealthy behaviour later in life. This does not guarantee perfect future relationships, but it can strongly shape expectations and boundaries.
When we say the Lord’s Prayer, “Our Father Who Art In Heaven …”, it is a form of anthropomorphism because we ascribe the features of [male] parenthood to the Creator. It is obvious that God has no gender because gender is a purely physical attribute, but appreciating God in a masculine, fatherly light works because the mental image of a father includes strength and power with love and affection. It brings to mind sacrificial loyalty and unreserved protection from harm.
But there are subtleties of fatherhood that, it could be argued, are more endearing and more enduring than overt fatherhood duties. Because of their grand gestures, children sometimes see their fathers as heroes and even superheroes. But fathers also significantly influence their children by their quiet routines, unspoken lessons, playfulness, attentiveness, conversations, emotional feedback, gentle smiles, security, presence, and involvement in their children’s activities.
Life always has its ups and downs. When children observe how their fathers handle the negative, and difficult situations, they learn how to deal with the hard knocks of disappointment, conflict, discord, humility, emotional and physical pain, interpersonal issues, fear, sadness, and, perhaps, even grief.
I strongly believe that an indeterminate number of women are the cause of, or are complicit in, causing the problems that fatherless children experience as children and as adults. Out of anger and/or spite, they bar some fathers from involvement in their children. And some actively or passively allow delinquent fathers to get away with their negligence. Both scenarios end up causing harm to children and to the society.
Garth Rattray is a medical doctor with a family practice, and author of ‘The Long and Short of Thick and Thin’. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and garthrattray@gmail.com.
