A study in relational and social psychology indicated that men who consciously listen to their wives and take their opinions into account enjoy greater psychological stability, more successful marital relationships, and lower levels of stress, which reflects positively on their professional and personal success.
A man’s acceptance of his wife’s influence on him is a decisive factor in the success and stability of marriage in the long term. Despite this, many men in our society still think and deal with their wife according to the principle: “Consult with her and disagree with her opinion,” not realizing that this is one of the reasons for the high probability of divorce.
A study by the famous American psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, from the University of Washington, which included a long follow-up of more than 130 husbands and wives, since the beginning of their marriage, revealed that 81% of marriages fail or head towards divorce, when the man refuses to share power, or refuses to listen and be influenced by his wife’s opinion. On the other hand, it turns out that emotionally intelligent men who accept the influence of their wives are the most successful and happy group. The institute’s subsequent and ongoing research has linked family stability to the husband’s professional and financial success, because it gives him the opportunity to make better and more sound financial and life decisions. Listening to the wife’s opinion will give the husband a broader and more comprehensive angle of vision, which will limit his impulsive decisions and losses, and increase his chances of success even at the level of his work. Statistical data related to emotional intelligence indicate that men who listen to their wives have better negotiation and communication skills in work environments, which makes them more likely to obtain a professional promotion, with rates exceeding the average by about 20%. Their productivity will also be higher, because a man who is emotionally stable at home does not consume his mental energy in constant quarrels, which increases his focus and productivity at work.
Emotional wound
The study also showed that only 35% of men are classified as emotionally intelligent, and they easily accept the influence of their wives. While the remaining percentage resist this influence unconsciously, because they believe that this reduces their leadership authority. This is done by committing four actions or behaviors that are destructive to dialogue and relationships. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, withdrawal or stony silence. How many husbands follow such destructive behaviors in our society… and the biggest calamity is that they rely on famous sayings that are ignorantly attributed to the Prophet, may God bless him and grant him peace, such as the phrase: “Consult with them and differ from them.” The Algerian man often monopolizes the right to decide the fate of any matter in his marital relationship or family life, even without returning to his wife’s opinion, as if her opinion has no value compared to his opinion and his sound mind, even though the opposite may be true sometimes. But, only, out of stubbornness and “tagnantness,” which might arouse his wife’s anger and hatred and create a lot of quarrels between them. It may end in divorce.
Through his treatment of many family issues, Professor Abdel Rashid Boubakri, an imam and trainer in family development, finds that many problems do not start from the difference of opinion itself, but rather from the way of dealing with it. When the wife feels that her opinion is worthless just because she is a woman, the intellectual disagreement gradually turns into an emotional wound. Likewise, when the husband feels that every decision he makes is met with challenge and belittlement, the relationship becomes tense.
Guardianship is not tyranny
The problem, as Professor Abderrachid Boubakri explains, is not that a man should consult his wife, but rather in a social culture that has sometimes confused between guardianship and domineering, between masculinity and refusal to back down, and between respect for the wife and weak character, despite the fact that guardianship is a responsibility and not tyranny, and family leadership is not the elimination of the partner. A successful leader does not fear other opinions; Rather, he listens to him, distinguishes between what is right and what is wrong, and then makes the decision that is in the best interest of the family.
On the other hand, our speaker adds, we should not fall into the corresponding exaggeration and say that the husband should take every opinion his wife says, just as the wife is not obligated to take every opinion her husband says. The issue is not: who wins, the man or the woman? Rather: Which of the two opinions is closer to the truth and interest?
A man does not diminish his manhood when he says to his wife: Your opinion was more correct than my opinion. Rather, this same statement may be a sign of the maturity of his personality and his self-confidence.
Wisdom has no gender
As for the saying, “Consult them and disagree with them,” Imam Abdel Rashid Boubakri confirms that it is not an authentic prophetic hadith, and it is not correct to attribute it to the Messenger of God, peace and blessings be upon him, much less turn it into a rule governing the relationship between spouses.
Islam, he adds: “It did not make manhood a dissimilarity to a woman, nor did it make guardianship abolish her mind and opinion. God Almighty said in describing married life: “And live with them in an honorable manner” (An-Nisa: 19). Living in an honorable manner is broader than spending and housing; it includes respect, good communication, listening, and appreciation.
Indeed, the Qur’an itself stipulates the principle of consultation between spouses in a delicate family issue, which is weaning a child. God Almighty said: “But if they desire separation by mutual consent and consultation, then there is no blame on them” (Al-Baqarah: 233).
Consider the Qur’anic expression: mutual consent and consultation, not the tyranny of one party over the other.
The most eloquent example of my work is found in the biography of the Prophet on the day of Hudaybiyyah, when the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, entered upon Umm Salamah, may God be pleased with her, and mentioned to her what had happened. She advised him to go out and not speak to anyone until he slaughtered his animal and shaved it. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, followed her advice. When the Companions saw his action, they rose and did the same. “Her advice at a very sensitive moment helped resolve a very difficult situation.”
