A nine-year-old child should only worry about homework, playing with peers and obeying her parents or caregivers. This was not the case with Merridith. From the age of nine to twelve, she was abused and sexually abused by her stepfather. Although this happened almost thirty years ago, she still struggles with the consequences every day. The abuse affects all her relationships: with family, in love and in friendships.
Text Consuela Raalte
Image AI generated
Merredith lived with her grandmother until she was eight, until her mother brought her back because she was then able to care for her. There were also brothers and Mark, her mother’s partner, at home.
“I don’t know why it seemed like everything was okay”
Merridith
Due to fear, threats, taboo and shame, she did not share the abuse with anyone. She is not a talker by nature and never stood up for herself. “I think it also depends on my upbringing. I felt terribly ashamed. We lived in a dire situation and were terribly abused.”
There were no people she could tell either. She was not allowed to play with neighborhood children, there was no contact with family and the fence around the yard was high. During the years she lived with her stepfather, she never had contact with her grandmother again.
At one point her mother fled without the children. After a day or two she came to get them and they were taken care of by a relative. “After a few days, our mother woke us up. Her husband had come to get us and like robots we followed each other and went with him again. Everything is still strange to me. I know what was going on. It was like we were all blind to what was happening.”
Wasi
After a month, her mother fled again. A day or two later she went to pick up the children under police escort. “The police broke down the door and got us out.”
Then her aunt brought one bonumanwhich everyone is ‘bathing’ (a cultural bath, … ed.) was. When it was Merredith’s turn, he said: ‘A girl disi musu teygi unu wan sani’. “That’s when I burst into tears. It seemed like all at once I saw clearly and started talking. Everyone started crying and screaming.”
After that day, the abuse was never talked about again. Now that Merredith is older, she thinks her mother didn’t know how to handle that information. She spoke little and clammed up and Merredith suspects that she was also sexually abused as a child. Moreover, her mother did not complete primary school. “That’s also why I don’t blame her anymore. I couldn’t understand it before.”
Although the abuse took place almost thirty years ago, Merredith still thinks about it almost every day. “I keep myself strong. As soon as I talk about it, I want to cry. I used to be shy and didn’t talk to people much. I had a feeling of inferiority and actually I think this is still the case. I locked myself in my room.”
Trust in others gone
The situation changed when she met a friend. They attended a nail training course together and started talking about their youth. Suddenly her friend asked, “Did it happen to you too?” Then Merridith told everything. “You have to stay strong. It happened, it made you the person you are today,” her friend said.
Merredith: “I once called her crying and said I couldn’t bear it anymore. She said I should try to let go and not cling to the event, while the perpetrator just continues with his life and I can’t live because of it.” These are words that she clings to and make her look at life differently.
Merredith now has an almost adult son. Her trauma also affected her bond with him. Yet he is the only person who has experienced her purest love and who is truly close to her heart.
When he was younger, she almost never let him interact with others; only to her brother or a girl next door. Even when she sent him to that girl, she had no peace of mind. When he returned, she examined him. When he went to school, she repeated a verse every day in which she taught him that no one should touch him.
When asked if the abuse has affected her relationships with men, Merredith says she’s not sure, but she says relationships don’t go well. For example, her son never had a stepfather.
She is currently not in a relationship. She certainly doesn’t trust men. “I see them differently. I trust nothing and no one. But I also choose to end that relationship every time.” Ex-boyfriends have often accused her of frustrating them.
In the evening
The abuse often took place in the evening and no one woke up. “I don’t know if he gave us sleeping tablets. I only woke up when I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. I woke up very lethargic and sleepy. I couldn’t even move. When I woke up, I saw him on me. I had no pain either.”
Merredith also remembers some moments when she cried very loudly after Mark hit her on the back with his fists during the abuse. “Nobody woke up. So I don’t know what was going on. If we actually got stuff in our food. I don’t know why it seemed like everything was okay.”
One afternoon her brothers were playing outside while her mother was cooking. Even then, no one noticed what was happening in the bathroom.
Merredith’s brothers were severely abused. She doesn’t know how they are doing mentally because this subject has never been discussed again. She does remember, for example, that Mark instructed her brothers to make one hundred push-ups to do. The boys had to fight each other for his own amusement. He also placed them in black bags and only opened them when they had stopped moving.
Dream come true
Merredith is still trying to process trauma. She prefers to stay at home. She is fond of music, but does not go to public entertainments. The people she interacts with now understand her behavior. She cannot sleep alone in a room and often does not fall asleep until around four in the morning.
She realizes that she needs to get out of the house more often and is therefore now trying to go out of town with a friend and do fun things. “I don’t actually want to be there, but I forced myself to be there.”
“A girl disi musu teygi unu wan sani”
Bonuman
Despite everything, she has made a dream come true: she has her own home. From the age of eighteen she lived with others or in a rented house. She didn’t want that for her child.
She is also currently following a course, after which she will obtain a title. “I’m only on that course because I want to grow at work, but I didn’t like it at first. Now that I’m there, I like it.”
*All names in this story have been changed
